Thanks for those who have shared their time with me in reading this blog of mine. I have a new one :D After this battle in the mountain, I am back in the city :D
I'll be leaving this blog for good. For all the lessons that I have learned, I thank God.
This is a memoir of a young girl full of hopes and dreams. Now, the young girl has grown into a young woman - who knows how to transform her dreams into reality. A young woman who knows the limits of hoping. A young woman who has learned how to cope with pain and loss. A young woman who now acts in accordance to God's plans for her.
A young woman who has learned how to guard her heart. A young woman who has learned how to Love in the context of profound Love.
Thank God. This year has been a one time whooossh. But it has made me known myself better. And has intensified my faith in your great plans for me.
Jam has been a WARRIOR. Jam is a WARRIOR. Jam will always be a WARRIOR.
Joyful sounds reverberate onto my ears. My body wants to dance but my heart does not want to. Whatever I say, I'm still in pain. Still in pain.
Rex says, "Buti nakakatawa ka na." Yes, I have been able to laugh, but laughter is different from happiness. It is not joy.
At the moment, I would just like to feel the pain that I may be able to transcend it. Transcendence would mean transforming this pain into a power beyond one's conception. A power that would touch other people's hearts, a power that would mend broken dreams, a power that would make me spread my wings beyond its limits.
It is not true that we only have one wing and we need another person in order to reach the skies. No. We may only see one wing, but the truth of the matter is that we have two, three, four; we have multifarious wings that are waiting to be unleashed. We just have to discover it by ourselves.
I have returned to the forest where the Cherry Blossom Tree has grown. I have stayed with it for a while. For a short while. But now I must cut it. Because it does not deserve my time, my attention. It does not deserve my Love. I must wake up from that dream and go back to reality where many people are dying to be loved: a Love which I, myself, can offer.
At the moment, I feel I have so much love to give. Probably this is the reason why I am in pain: I don't know where to pour out this overflowing love.
Thank God it's Christmas, I would have an avenue for this overflowing love. I would pour this out to people who are worth loving: to people who I have neglected because I once believed that there existed a 25th hour in my life. It may be true that an extra hour exists in our own clocks, but I must now verify its true meaning that I may never be deceived again. Never ever.
This is a tragedy that could either make me or break me. But I would not let it break me. It would make me. IT WILL. IT HAS BEEN.
I'll rise above this and transform each weakness that I have into strength: a formidable strength beyond question. Because it is God who would be the source of this strength. And he will always protect and guard my heart.
Simple lang naman ang gusto ko: gusto ko lumipad nang may kahawak na kamay. Kasi isa lang naman ang pakpak ko. Kailangan ko ng kapares para maabot ko ang langit. Kailangan ko nang kasamang gustong makisabay sa pagpagaspas ng pakpak ko, para makuha ang simpleng kagustuhan na ito.
Kaya lang, ngayon ay parang malabo mangyari ito. Nararamdaman kong parang unti-unting nalalagas ang mga balahibo ng pakpak ko. Siguro, kailangan ko lang ng pahinga. Pero hindi lang naman ito ang problema.
Isang linggo kasi ang nakaraan ay may kahawak akong kamay, at pakiramdam ko'y unti-unti ko nang naaabot ang kagustuhan ko. Napakasaya ko noon, akalain mong nagawa kong humiga sa mga ulap at makipaglaro sa init ng araw at kalamigan ng buwan. Nagawa ko ring makipag-usap sa mga bituin. Aba, ilang tao lamang ang nabibigyan ng ganitong pagkakataon. Kaya naman napakaswerte ko talaga!
Kaya lang... isang linggo na ang nakakaraan nang nangyari iyon. Nasa ibang linggo na tayo ngayon - napakabilis nga naman ng panahon. Kasabay ng kabilisang ito ay ang paghihiwalay ng palad ko at ng kahawak ko. Para lamang mga daliring isang pitik lang sa mga tiklado ng piyano ay napakahusay ng tunog, ngunit oras na alisin mo ito'y wala na rin ang tunog. At wala na rin ang masayang paglipad sa kalangitan. Dahil dito, kinailangan kong bumaba nang mag-isa: hawak ang sariling kamay, gamit ang nag-iisang pakpak na buong pwersang iwinasiwas para hindi masubsob sa pagdaop ng katawan sa lupa.
Kaya naman ngayon, susubukan ko ang magpahinga at maglaan ng oras sa sarili para patubuin ang mga nalagas na balahibo ng aking pakpak. Nagmamasid din ako sa langit para hanapin ang pakpak na minsang nakapares ng akin - hindi para makiusap na bumalik at samahan muli ako nito. Bagkus, para pasalamatan sa karanasan at oras na ibinahagi niya sa akin. Alam kong hindi madali ang isang linggong nagdaan, dahil ang oras ay napakahalaga para lamang gamitin sa pagtuklas kung ilang bituin ang nasa langit, paano nabubuo ang mga ulap, gaano kainit ang halik ng araw at paano nabubuo ang ilaw ng buwan sa gabi. Gayunpaman, isang napakagandang karanasan ang lumipad sa langit nang may kadaupang-palad habang pareho niyong sinusubukang alamin kung gaano katibay ang pakpak ng isa't isa, at ang ang antas ng lipad na kaya ninyong abutin.
Heto, may nalaglag na namang isang balahibo galing sa pakpak ko. Magpapahinga na muna ako. Blangko ang langit sa kasalukuyan: napakalinis ng mga ulap at ang ganda ng sinag ng araw. Wala akong pakpak na nakikitang nakikipagbuno sa lakas ng hangin (siguro ay naisip din ng mga kapwa kong magpahinga nang sandali, gayundin ang minsa'y aking nakasama). Ipipikit ko muna ang mga mata ko, baka sakaling paggising ko ay buo na muli ang pakpak ko.
At kung makita ko man muli ang pakpak na minsa'y itinuring kong kapares ng akin, titigan ko na lamang ito at hahayaang ibulong ng hangin ang pasasalamat na galing sa kaibuturan ng aking puso. Dahil minsan ako nitong tinuruan at sinamahan na lumipad. At minsan na ring napatunayan na ang kagustuhan, kapag totoong ginusto, ay makukuha.
I sat at the Plaza Mayor grounds, staring at the minute countless bulbs hanging at the Main Building. It was such a beautiful sight: scattered star-like lights flickering here and there, it's as if fireworks have been continuously being displayed at the building's facade. The brighter lights vividly form shapes and pictures which seem to paint the building like an apparition of colors from afar.
I sat there with two of my workmates-cum-close friends. I asked myself: How many seconds are still remaining before I could hitch my last ride towards home? How many times would I, Judy and Wado do this to ease the stresses that we are having? Up until when will the lights of this building endow beauty in the surroundings? Up until when will the lights be displayed to illuminate this place and grant serenity to everyday's end?
Up until when. Up until when. Up until when. All of my questions pointed to one thing: Time is limited, and alongside this limitation is the fact that everything in this world has its beginning, middle and end. I remembered Kuya Alfred (TZZS Headwriter and UPCAT Indie Film Writer) telling earlier during our Scriptwriting workshop, "Ganon naman e... Ang lahat ng bagay ay may beginning, middle and end."
We stood up, realizing that it was getting late. The day was about to end. Two hours and so would be the borderline between today and tomorrow. And so every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
We all walked towards the España gate. I waited in vain for a text message that came very late.
And so I called it a day.
I miss Kirby, Chai, Karen and other friends. Kirby and Chai, I miss going home with you. Ang sad kase mag-isa lang ako sa jeep to Harrison kanina :(
Amazed by the wonder that the sunset exhibits, I gaze at the phenomenon of each day's end with awe and pride. Every 6 pm, every step for the fulfillment of one's dreams is realized as the sun blazes its last rays in the day's last quarter.
Jam/JamJam/Jaymel/Hamel/Jamoy/Jamol/Jamelita
A Graduating Thomasian Communication Arts student
A TOMCAT kitten
An AB Debater
A Rhetorician
At an arm-length distance, a Broadcast Journalist. And an Entrepreneur. Classified Information about the Warrior
The Past Lives
I was a responsible Chaldean woman. I lived in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and had helped in the re-building of a Neo-Babylonian Empire. I served emperors; I protected and raised a family.
I was a prudent Spartan woman. I guarded homes and nurtured children. I aided my Spartan man. I fought behind shields and swords as I cured the wounds and bruises of the fighting warriors. I had been a ferocious tactic planner and strategist.
I was a creative Egyptian woman. I lent my hand for the crafting of the Great Pyramids. I was a daughter of a great Pharaoh. I was a princess - an elegant yet a simple and a responsible Egyptian princess.
I lived during China's great dynasties. I was a part of a royal majesty; I witnessed the blossoming of an empire. I held the first sands of a gunpowder. I wore refined silk gowns and robes. I saw the development of Chinese Philosophy and learned from its grandest teachers: Confucius, Mencius, Lao Tzu and Hsun Tzu.
I was Joan of Arc. I fought in he name of loyalty of my country. My Divinely intervened mission led me to persecution; nevertheless, I stood still in my pronouncements that I had heard voices of saints - I had just obeyed what I had been commissioned to accomplish. I dressed in men's clothes; I was a combatant in a man's armor. But I still had a heart of a pious and a faithful woman.
The Present Life
I am Jam. A young Filipina. A youthful Warrior.
In the name of faith, courage and honor, I fight for a life that is worth living. In the name of love, I fight for relationships that are worth keeping. In the name of respect and dignity, I fight for principles that I deem right and true. I engage in wars that are of value and abandon those that lead me to a vagabond living.
As I fight, I endure. As I endure, I learn. As I learn, I grow. As I grow, I learn how to love. As I learn how to love, I learn how to live. As I learn how to live, I discover the meaning of Life.
The Most Laborious Battle
The war betweeen my heart and mind in which my body is the warrior and my soul is the battlefield.
The Collaboration of Powerful Forces
There are times when intuition and logic make up an excellent partnership leading to effective strategies and tactics.
As intuition commands me to besiege and conquer new places, logic delineates the pros and cons of prospected plans of action. The result is a stunning success minus the loss of lives and bloodsheds.
